Turner Will...

So much bullshit flying around this edifice, it’s almost impossible, even for a being of my magnitude to unravel it.

I think, having spoken to Alexander and his mates, the Gordian Knot solution is the only way to go.

Most people think the Turner is arse or just don’t get it. But it’s the Turner or nothing. Not fair, I know, but neither is life, or death!

Trouble is, the publicity for Turner is pants. People think they’ll have to pay £40.00 to get in to see a pile of bricks or a sequinned, luminous jockstrap. They will then feel obliged to recognise how important and meaningful it all is to their otherwise bleak lives. They call that a fun day out?

The solution is simple. Promote it as the Will Turner Pirate Centre and get local lad Orlando Bloom to open it. I guarantee there will be ladies queuing round the block to get in and buy signed posters of Johhny Depp and keyring-sized sequinned, luminous jockstraps.

After all, it is next to the sea. The possibilities are endless and everyone will get it!