Tuesday, 3 May 2011

A Developing Story

I hear there has been another fire in, as a former Blogger used to call “The Arsonists Playground”. The Constitutional Club is no more.

So far there is limited information as to why anyone would want to burn down the building, but reports suggest a striking similarity when describing a person fleeing the scene.

A short, fat, elderly person with thick glasses, demented hair and frightening dress sense was observed in Hawley Square clutching a box of matches and the charred remains of a trouser press.

The statements go on to describe the said person babbling hysterically to trees, stray dogs and a group of resident drunks who only survived the onslaught as they were almost comatose.

However, one of their group was not so fortunate and had to eat his own leg to escape with his life.

Although in shock and with chronic indigestion, the now one-legged drunk recalled the ranting was something about the benefits of concreting over Thanet parks and filling in a cave while posing for pictures with residents!

The investigation continues.

Thursday, 21 April 2011


Now that I have swarms of Minions aware of my interest in exposing all things bullshit in Thanet. I find myself in receipt of interesting nuggets, or should I say steaming piles of the stuff for my perusal on an almost daily basis.

Following conversations with Caesar and Brutus, I know that as a breed, most politicians are pretty slimy when it comes to advancement up the greasy pole or a better position along the trough.  However, an outstanding candidate for recognition in plumbing new depths in this slippery game of musical chairs is a female member of the Thanet Labour Group named after a delicate flower. How ironic!

This particular flower is about as delicate as a Venus fly trap with an intellect to match. Her idea of subtlety is to sniff around the party faithful and anyone with influence in Thanet volunteering her services to talk people to death on their behalf.

Her technique is simple but deadly. She just keeps talking, shouting and screaming at her victims until they agree just to shut her up. Then she proceeds to bending the truth of any issue she's hired to support into impossible pretzels of delusional bullshit that can only convince the most adamant of morons!

Anyone watching her activities would think she is expecting the beautifully coiffed Leader Cllr Hart to suddenly retire following an accident with a trouser press, high explosives or while handling the plague virus!

Perhaps she is of the Hermodactylus variety? Yes, you will have to Google that!

It’s all a bit weird after she pledged her undying loyalty to said leader not so long ago when a "Northwood Nasty" was trying bore him (and us!) into submission (13 pages of bleating) to get a better position.

A desperate, high-profile campaign of taking credit for just about anything positive happening in Thanet has reduced most of us here in the underworld to hysterics, especially Nemesis!

Issues which aren’t even in her own ward and about which she has no understanding or influence are being touted as her single-handedly putting the world to rights.

Rumour has it she’s even having Spanish Lessons and is considering changing her name to Evita

She is in the Gazette as appeasing both Developers and Residents at EXACTLY the same time. This is bordering on the miraculous and a few of us are waiting to see if she’ll have a bash at parting the Wantsum channel for an encore before 5th May.

In the meantime, I suggest Cllr Hart wears a Kevlar vest when near the fly trap especially at functions where cutlery or trouser presses are nearby!

STOP PRESS:  I have been informed by Mr Turner (who is seriously pissed off) that she is now taking the credit for the original idea of a Gallery, the design of the building and all of the artwork!

Is there no end to this woman's talents?

ANOTHER STOP PRESS!  She is now taking the credit for the lovely weather that you dear mortals of the Isle are basking in.

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Thanet Job Spot

Perusing the interweb thingy in my lair the other day, I happened upon the following adverts.

"Are you over 50, worried about impending redundancy, incapable of speaking in coherent sentences, have very limited intelligence, a grudge against the world, no accomplishments, no sense of humour and looking for a way to make a few quid by posturing but actually doing bugger all? Then the Liberal Democrats are the Party for you."

A later ad stated.

"Are you a balding moron, and totally unemployable? Do you run a failed website full of toxic delusions and desperate pleas for employment and funds. Are you a complete loser with delusions of grandeur and a desperate need to have your limited intellect massaged by fellow morons? Then the Liberal Democrats are for you."

I thought no more about them until I spotted what looked like Etonian Flaig! I couldn’t be sure as he looked about 20 years older than his blog photo and was standing next to a Pratt in a Hat trying very hard not to look like a berk and failing miserably. The article says they are the new future saviours of the world, so I see the above mentioned vacancies have been filled by the two most vacant bloggers in Thanet.

This whole thing has the acrid stench of bullshit and penury surrounding it. I notice Etonian's political launch has a nice Google advert next to it so he can raise a few shekels and I'm sure the Pratt in the Hat,(recently a Registered Labour Blogger!) will be advertising  enhancements to the male anatomy next to his party political fantasy too.

I'm sure the sudden urge to be of public service has nothing to do with being a bit skint?

Of course not,  LOL!

Thursday, 31 March 2011

I Wish to Make a Complaint.......

I hear poor Mark Nottingham has become Thanet’s answer to Monty Python’s Parrott.

People of Northwood complained at his lack of activity only to be informed he was shagged out after long squawk on his weblog telling all of his greatness.

They were told he was resting when he wouldn’t return their calls.

He would be photographed by the Gazette in his beautiful red plumage.

When in Northwood, he would pine for the Lewisham frauds

Bereft of political life.

He's nearly an ex-Councillor.

He’s been shuffled off his political perch and joined the Committee Invisible

The only reason he would stay in a room in Northwood was because he was nailed to his chair by party activists!

Anyway, enough of the Python.

There have been huge amounts of self-righteous bullshitting surrounding the suspension of Cllr Mark Nottingham from the Labour Party.

In his thirteen page web rant, he lists a career which has never involved a real day’s work in nearly 30 years. Is this something to be proud of? Shows just how removed he is from real life!

The liberal bleeding hearts are queuing up to wring their hands with despair at his departure from the bossom of the Thanet Labour Group, like its going to make a difference to his life!

It’s not as if he's been made redundant and is going to be slung out on his arse like ordinary people are.

What makes me fall about laughing is the fact that Nottingham is still employed on the Brussels gravy train, completely funded by you the taxpayer. A nice gold-plated pension, and no financial worries while the rest of you poor mortals lie awake at night worrying about cash and bills etc, or how long you can keep your job.

He’s laughing his arse off.

And HE wants sympathy?

Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Absence Makes...

Hello dear minions. I gather I’ve been missed in the land of mortals and been criticised for my absence.

I’ve been very, very busy here in the nether world. It all started with us watching the Oxford & Cambridge boat race. Well done Oxford!

Anyway, Nelson pipes up and suggests we re enact the boat race on the river Styx for a laugh. All very well I hear you say, but I know from bitter experience exactly how these games can get completely out of hand.

Next thing I know, Nelson wants to re enact the battle of the Nile (doesn’t like Trafalgar!) This pisses off Augustus and Mark Anthony no end, who both want a re match of the battle of Actium.

It goes from bad to worse, Admiral Jellicoe is determined to put enormous ships all over the Styx to remember Jutland. Halsey and the Americans want to do Midway again but with nukes, and that complete nutter, Caligula wants to bung a bridge of boats over the whole thing and ride his horse back and forth singing “My Way” Frank was fuming!

Now bear in mind that none of these people had even been drinking, and you can imagine how difficult it is for me to maintain some semblance of order.

After some Air Force guys tried bombing Charon’s dock, I lost my temper completely. I set Cerberus on the Americans and let the Medusa turn all the other gits to stone until they promise to behave themselves.

Charon is having a lie down and smoking something with a very pungent aroma. At least he’s smiling, but I daren’t leave any food lying about or he’ll have it.

I’m going to have a nice holistic massage from Asclepius no less and then I shall return refreshed with pearls of wisdom..or not!

Sunday, 20 March 2011

Secret Thanet Aristocrat Exposed

Following months of painstaking forensics, Margate blogger, Tony Flaig is exposed as an eccentric member of the British aristocracy.

On his blog, he is pictured wearing a Barbour, his face in profile, to conceal his true identity. However, facial analysis has revealed, that he is none other than ‘Lord Etonyan Flaig.’

His recent, working class, anti-hero wingeing was so nauseatingly done to death, it aroused the suspicions of the ‘Pseuds Investigation Surveillance Service.’ (PISS)

Extensive investigation of his Lordship proves he has never even been on a train (apart from the Orient Express) let alone worked near one and only travels around his Thanet fiefdom in a chauffeur driven Bentley.

He was educated at the family estate in the Cotswolds followed by Eton and Cambridge. So careful of his privacy, his Lordship has managed to keep the details of his education and degrees a State secret to this day.

There were rumours of unusual circumstances surrounding his succession to his title and seat in the House of Lords. He only became Lord Flaig following the accidental deaths of 16 of the prior claimants to the title. These were caused by a series of chance explosions involving household items including a Chippendale table. His Lordship was slightly injured by the well-publicised exploding Trouser Press incident of 1979, which proved fatal to other title claimants. As a consequence, Lord Flaig had to have his sense of humour surgically removed!

A prize of a State Funeral will be given to the minion who correctly identifies his Lordship from the picture!

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Margate Caves Saved by Trees?

Again in the Gazette, another story caught my beady eye where the answer to the problems for two groups of people would be to swap their problems.

The residents of Broadstairs want to keep their trees in Pierremont Park and not have a Community Centre which would involve the chopping down of said trees. Some are even prepared to be chopped down with the trees such is the depth of feeling!

The residents of Margate want to open up their painted caves as a tourist and educational centre.

You can imagine the conversation from the guides:

“Hello and welcome to the Margate Caves, these are a series of holes under the ground”

“Yes and……?”

“Well, that’s it. It’s a series of holes under the ground”

“Do they do anything?”


I suggest the residents of Broadstairs give the £1.8 million they don’t want for the hated Community Centre to the group who want to restore the caves etc. They would be very delighted to get the cash, and any money left over could be used to provide a small buffet with some wine and tubes of Pringles.

The residents of Broadstairs could then use the caves as a not-very-local Community Centre, and as it is so close to my subterranean lair I could keep up with all the local gossip through the walls!

Problem solved and everybody would be happy